Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
