happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
