Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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