Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
