I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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