In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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