oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
