She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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