Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
