I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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