mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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