I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
