listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
