she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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