I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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