i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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