Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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