we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you didnt know i had herpes?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
