I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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