Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
