I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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