my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
