I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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