eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
