Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I came so hard my ears popped.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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