he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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