sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
His nipple licking is glorious
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