Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
