You can't special order awesome
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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