I faked an abortion last night.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
vagina is talking i cant
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
