the condom got lost in my hair
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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