My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
