im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So many bounce houses so little time
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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