Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize