She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
