R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just found puke in my bra..
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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