I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
