he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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