just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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