At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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