yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
