Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
