Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
