Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
