Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
