I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
