At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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