I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
