Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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