Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I need to wash the frat house off of me
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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