I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize