I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
