i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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