mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
