i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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