I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
